Height: 5’ 4 1/2

Weight: 110

Highest Weight: 135

Lowest Weight: 90

Goal Weight:  118 - 125 Or even higher/lower so long as I am fit/happy/healthy

Favorite Diet Food: Bulletproof Coffee… seriously that’s my diet food ;) 

Favorite Binge Food: umm… pizza I guess

Favorite Exercise: I like exercises that are fun and with the kids. Still love to swim. I actually really love exercising in general but the pain the next days afterwards (feeling some right now) Phew talk about some BS… but my low weight probably makes it harder on my body

Favorite Thinspo: let’s change that to Fitspo for me and it would have to be Bum! I am all about growing my butt back ;) Having a baby does a number on your bod.

Where Do You Slip Up? I don’t have an appetite but since I like to keep it low carb I’d say when I have more carbs is a ‘slip up’ or would be if I wasn’t trying to gain weight. It’s a slip up though on the health spectrum of things.

When Did It Start? I had an eating disorder since ‘06 until probably before I had my baby. Which was 2013. Now I am all about putting on some pounds ;) I think curves are super sexy and so fucking tired of seeing bones (on myself)…. They do say, be careful what you wish for… I just want to be strong and fit for my babies and me (hello, in case of a zombie apocalypse!)

Does Anyone Know? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who knows me knows that I have had diet issues forever

Do You Want Help? No need

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? Idk … apparently a lot less than I should LOL (< not funny actually but it’s hard for me to eat ever since having my baby idk why)

What Do You Think When You Look In The Mirror? Well, I think bones, unhealthy, sickly, getting better somedays, I think about how my hair will thin, my skin will thin, my bones will thin, my everything will fall apart if I don’t pick up my eating more and get a healthy look. 

Are You In A Relationship? I am happily married to Adam Wayne Haning! 

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? I don’t really have friends and I don’t notice, I am sure I am in the ‘thin’ category… Too thin to most

Are You Depressed? Depressed but medicated. 

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? Yes, and I can’t help to contemplate it sometimes, it’s stupid but it’s a part of my life. I hope it disappears one day, but we all have moments of weakness.

Ever Been To A Psychologist? I have been to a psychologist, yes. I need to see a psychiatrist though. 

I AM: 

[ ] anorexic (not so much… sometimes)

[ ] ednos 

[ ] bulimic (not anymore, YAY for me!!! i did overcome this one) 

[ ] living off diet pills (always)

[ ] hungry 

[x] thirsty (always thirsty)

[x] drinking something (water)

[ ] fasting/starving myself (nope I am eating)

PEOPLE: 

[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 

[] have called me fat

[x] have said I’m skinny

[ ] have said I’m ugly 

[x] have said I’m pretty

[x] spread rumors about me 

[x] force me to eat 

[] say I eat too much

[x] wish I’d eat more 

[ ] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH: 

[x] I was THIN 

[x] I had a better body 

[x] I didn’t have to eat 

[ ] I could control myself 

[ ] I was under 100lbs 

[ ] I could avoid food 

[ ] I could hide what I am 

[ ] I wasn’t fat 

[ ] I was pretty 

[ ] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic/ednos (well im not bad off but i want to not care so much about it)

I LOVE:

[ ] feeling hungry 

[ ] seeing a difference when fasting 

[ ] shaking 

[ ] feeling airy 

[ ] losing weight 

[ ] being anorexic/bulimic 

[x] green tea 

[ ] diet pills 

[ ] being able to turn down food 

[x] feeling good about myself 

APPEARANCE: 

[] I am shorter than 5’4

[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes

[x] I have many scars (I have a few tiny scars nowadays from episodes but hey, it isn’t too bad)

[x] I wish my hair was a different color (my natural color but a bit darker, and longer)

[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color ( i believe this is so)

[x] I have a tattoo (annd want sooo many more, and now married to a tattoo artist LOL)

[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance

[ ] I have/had braces 

[x] I wear glasses 

[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free 

[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger 

[x] I have more than 2 piercings

[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears 

[x] I have freckles 

FAMILY:

[x] I’ve sworn at my parents

[ ] I’ve run away from home (never did)

[] I’ve been kicked out of the house 

[ ] My biological parents are together 

[] I have a sibling less than one year old 

[] I want to have kids someday

[x] I’ve had children 

[x] I’ve lost a child (miscarriage)

[] I can’t have children 

RELATIONSHIPS: 

[] I’m single 

[] I’m in a relationship 

[] I’m engaged 

[x] I’m married

[x] I’ve gone on a blind date (pretty much… when u meet ppl offline like i have yea its kinda like a blind date.. even if youve seen pics of em)

[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper

[] I miss someone right now 

[ ] I have a fear of abandonment 

[/] I’ve cheated in a relationship (this is true but the situation was a weird one)

[] I’ve gotten divorced 

[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back

[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t

[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did 

[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship

[x] I’ve been ‘the other man’ (the other woman)

SEXUALITY: 

[] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex

[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher 

[x] I am a cuddler

[x] I’ve kissed in the rain

[x] I’ve hugged a stranger 

[x] I have kissed a stranger

BAD TIMES: 

[x] I’ve consumed alcohol

[] I regularly drink

[] I can’t swallow pills

[x] I can swallow numerous pills at a time without water

[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression

[x] I shut others out when I’m upset

[x] I take anti-depressants 

[] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS

[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it 

[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose (in furious bouts of rage… about my weight)

[] I’m addicted to self harm

[x] I’ve woken up crying 

[x] I’ve lost weight 

[x] I’ve gained weight 

[] My weight holds me back 

[] Weight consumes me 

[x] I’m at my thinnest (I’m as thin as I ever want to be again) 

[] I’m at my biggest 

[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off 

[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back 

[x] My weight affects my mood (if I’m bloated :/ ) 

[/] I weigh myself daily ( like weekly )

[ ] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me 

[/] I thrive on compliments (sure they’re nice)

[ ] I feel bigger than people who are my size 

[ ] I feel happy when I’m hungry 

[] I get depressed after I eat (sick maybe, not depressed, not anymore)

[x] I’ve skipped a meal 

[x] I’ve thrown food away 

[x] I’ve spit food out 

[x] I’ve fasted 

[x] I’ve taken diet pills 

[x] I’ve used laxatives 

[x] I’ve purged 

[x] I exercise 

[x] I exercise so I can eat 

[] I work out secretly 

[ ] I work out daily (not anymore, I need rest days)

[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion 

I’ve done: 

[x] Weed 

[x] Cigarettes 

[x] Alcohol 

[x] Diet pills 

[x] Pain killers 

[x] Sleeping pills

[x] Anti-depressants 

[x] Ecstasy 

[] LSD 

[] Mushrooms 

[] Speed 

[] Cocaine 

[] Other

Why did I put mushrooms before… never done ‘em.. weird.

HABITS:

[ ] I keep my eating habits a secret 

[ ] I look at thinspo 

[ ] I collect thinspo 

[] I count calories 

[x] I’ve had negative intake days 

[ ] I avoid food 

[] I hate food 

[x] I love food 

[] I want to be this way 

[x] I don’t want to be like this 

[] I wish I could have more control 

[] Being thin is my top priority 

[] I am in treatment 

[] I’m doing this for me 

[] I’m doing this for someone 

[] I’m doing this to prove myself

Symptom checklist.

Noticeable weight loss: yes

Becoming withdrawn: sometimes

Excessive exercise: no

Fatigue:  less than before, since I’m not working anymore

Always being cold: A lot usually but at night time I get hot flashes

Muscle weakness: oh yes

Obsession with food, calories, recipes: I wish, so I could eat more lol                                                             Excuses for not eating meals (ie. ate earlier, not feeling well): used to

Unusual eating habits (ie. cutting fod into tiny pieces, picking at food): if I don’t like it, but I still force myself to eat

Noticeable discomfort around food: if I’m sick

Complaining of being “too fat”, even when thin: Nope. I have ‘fat’ days, when I eat too much, but not complaining.

Cooking for others, but not eating themselves: No way. I don’t cook, my hubby does, I mean I should though. Actually I lie, I do cook, when I’m cooking for me, like chicken, green beans and rice.

Restricting food choices to only diet foods: fuck that. the only thing I like to keep low is carbs

Guilt or shame about eating : only if it’s something that is unhealthy/processed

Depression, irritability, mood swings: Yes. 

Evidence of vomiting, laxative abuse, diet pills or diuretics to control weight: none

Irregular menstruation : never

Amenorrhea(loss of menstruation) : never

Wearing baggy clothes to hide weight loss: nope

Frequently checking weight on scale: to see if it’ll go up

Fainting spells and dizziness: I’ve had many many fainting spells in the passed year and a bit of dizziness. 

Difficulty eating in public: Still a bit weird, especially if you get all messy but hey wtf food is meant to be eaten, so eat it

Very secretive about eating patterns: nope

Pale complexion (almost a pasty look): actually looking kinda tannish these days ;) 

Headaches: more than I like, yes

Perfectionistic attitude: yessss

Feelings of self worth determined by what is or is not eaten: Only when considering my health

No known physical illness that would explain weight loss: I really don’t know. Doctors have done tests, etc. but nothing seems to have anything to do with it. Could be my meds, since they’re the same ones that I got down to 90 lbs on… but then again I started losing the weight before I ever got back on my meds so IDK… 

Physical/Medical Complications: The fainting… feeling crappy… tired… nothing else

Fatigue and lack of energy: wayyy too much

Amenorrhea(loss of menstruation): nope

Skin problems: Aside from getting older, my natural home remedies and excessive use of coconut oil has been helping my skin a lot lately ;) there are a few good things.. and eating lots of healthy fats will help your skin glow and your bod look fabulous

Dehydration: I distinctly try to stay away from that condition

Shortness of breath: only when straining myself too hard

Irregular heartbeats: no

Cold hands and feet: less lately

Bloating: If I eat too much or eat beans, or too much gluten. 

Constipation: nope 

Hair loss: no, thank goodness, it’s too short for that right now. No Poo solution to hair helps it stay really healthy

Stomach pains: sometimes

Decreased metabolic rate: I guess not

Edema (water retention): no

Lanugo(fine downy hair): no, don’t think so

Loss of bone mass: probably

Kidney and liver damage: really pray to God not

Electrolyte imbalances: sometimes I guess

Osteoporosis: hope not

Insomnia: Lately a bit

Anemias: bruising yes anemia no

Infertility: nope

Depression: yes

Cathartic colon(caused from laxative abuse): no thank God no

Low potassium (most common cause of nocturnal cardiac arrest): Actually that may be so I mean not to  a serious condition but when I’ve been to the hospital on occasion they give me potassium pills. 

And there ya have it…. many years apart and things are so different in some ways. Went from wanting to look like Kate Moss to Marilyn Monroe… or Ronda Rousey to be more specific but either one will do ;) Depends on how much exercise I will continue to like to do or what I’ll feel comfortable in. I’m comfortable now, just want some meat on these bones